Homeschooling Stuff · Making a Home

A Weighty Kind of Wonderful

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We had our first day of school today, and I asked my children to write about or draw pictures showing what they would like to be when they grow up.  My ten-year-old drew this.  She wants to be a mommy like me.  Like ME.  It’s so sweet and super scary at the same time.  Just what kind of mommy am I?  Am I talking/behaving/acting like I want her to towards my grandchildren some day?  What a gentle reminder to me to be in prayer daily for right attitudes and behaviors.  May I be the kind of mommy that would bring glory and honor to my Lord and set a good example for my child.  And may I be quick to apologize when I am not!!  I am totally not perfect.  Admitting it and reminding her that I am not is also good for her.  I do not want her beating herself up someday for not meeting that unattainable standard this side of Heaven.

On a side note, two of the children are (accurately) yelling at each other and the baby is screaming his head off.  Yes, I asked.  And yet, the mommy and daddy are still smiling!  That’s not so accurate.  Ha!  Also cute, her husband looks like her daddy.

Homeschooling Stuff · Making a Home

Welcoming A Second Author!

I’m excited to announce that this blog site will now have two authors!  My sweet friend, Valerie, has graciously agreed to contribute her thoughts and advice.  She has been a wonderful, godly influence in my life and has been my go-to for homeschooling advice.  While my experience lies in teaching eighth grade and below, Valerie has also navigated high school and beyond.  I look forward to reading her posts!

Homeschooling Stuff · Making a Home

The Problem of Loneliness

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“But are your children being socialized?” It’s the absolute #1 question I am asked when strangers find out we homeschool.  Of course, of course.  They’ve got neighborhood friends, church friends, friends from co-op/ music lessons.  They’re so socialized, they can’t get over themselves.  But what about their mommy?  What about that adult that is running around ragged, trying to cram them full of knowledge and fun and lots of love?  Is SHE being socialized?

If someone were to ask me what the hardest part of homeschooling is for me, it would definitely be this.  Loneliness.  It’s something that can be experienced by any person in any walk of life from anywhere in the world.  And if you think that being a stay-at-home mommy, surrounded by tiny persons can’t possibly feel it, think again.  There is a huge difference between being with like-minded mommy friends and being with my babies.  I love them to pieces & wouldn’t trade them for anything in the world, but they cannot possibly meet every need for human interaction I could possibly have.  And they shouldn’t!  What a burden to have to bear for them.  They need me to have friends about as much as I do.

Our personal situation is compacted even more when you throw in that we have moved a TON.  New neighborhoods, churches, co-ops, etc.  Starting over and over again can be so hard.  Children somehow bond immediately with other children, but it’s not always so with adults.  So what’s a mommy to do?

Here are some great ideas.

  1.  Pray.  Pray that your relationship to God meets the deepest desire of your heart.  No human relationship will ever fill the void in you like God can.  He created you to love him, and He will bring the joy you long for.  Pray also that He will send people into your life to be friends.
  2. Go out there and meet people!  Attend the “Mommy’s Night Out” programs, talk to people at church, co-op, the park, wherever!  Exchange names and numbers with your kids’ new bestest friend ever that she JUST met five minutes ago and plan (and follow through!) with meeting up again.  Sign your kids up for an activity where you know you can also hang out- baseball, gymnastics, cheerleading, soccer
  3. Invite people to do things with you!  Have them over at your home, meet at a park, catch a movie together, whatever- all with or without kiddos.
  4. Call up an old friend.  Don’t just text.  That’s too impersonal when you’re feeling blue and want actual human contact.
  5. Do stuff- attend a MOPS group (mothers of preschoolers), join a book club, volunteer at your child’s coop, take an art or cooking class.
  6. Get a part-time job.

These are just a few ideas.  Whatever you do, make sure you don’t stay home and wallow in the loneliness.  We mommies tend to sacrifice a lot for our little ones in order to meet their needs.  This shouldn’t be one of those things we neglect.  Life is hard.  We need each other.

What are some ways that you combat loneliness?

Making a Home

What Does Submitting To My Husband Look Like?

 

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After I wrote “My Incredibly Strong, Submissive Momma“, a friend of mine stated that it was missing something.  I should have talked more about what submitting to my own husband is actually like.  The Bible gives us guidelines for our lives, but isn’t always specific about how to live them out.  If you haven’t yet read the blog post mentioned above, please do that first.  Then please read on, knowing that my heart’s intent is to share with you, in the hopes that it will help you understand a little better the beauty that lies in a wife’s submission in marriage.

So what does submission to my own husband look like?  It’s an all-around attitude of the heart, expressed through my outward actions, showing the respect I have for him and his leadership in our family.  It is an attitude that I have to regularly pray for.  It does not always come easy (though he is a pretty cool guy).  It shows up in how I communicate with my husband, how I talk about him to others, and how I support him.  I am not perfect, nor do I always 100% follow everything I’m about to discuss.  I do pray and ask God for wisdom.  I pray for him to change heart attitudes- both mine and my spouse’s.

Communication–  In the past, when I was hurt or slighted, I used to respond with anger, sarcasm, and mean little jabs to “get back” at my husband.  I would complain about things he was not doing rather than ask for his help.  A huge part of being a submissive wife is wrapped up in how I speak to my husband, especially in moments of stress.  Speaking respectfully to him involves carefully guarding my heart against the desire to lash out.  Instead, I speak honestly and gently.  I share my feelings in love and overlook minor offenses.  I try to be better at listening and less concerned with what I am about to say next.  When I ask for help, I try to do so humbly.  I have to admit, though, that this is a HARD area for me.  Reacting without putting my guard up opens me up to being hurt, which I have never liked.  I have to pray (sometimes during arguments) that I will display a gentle and quiet spirit (1 Peter 3:4). Many times, when we have disagreements that lead me to be angry towards him, I often have to take a time out to cool off and pray some more so that I can return and continue to treat him with the respect that God would have me display.

Right- “Hey, I think we need to fix that window today.  I’d like to go buy some paint for it. What do you think?  You want to tackle that with me?”

Wrong- “That window has needed fixing and painting since we moved in.  Why don’t you ever do anything about it?  You’re always so lazy!”

Right- “I feel hurt that you said you’d rather go with Bob to the game instead of me.  I thought we talked about going, just the two of us,”.

Wrong- “Thanks a lot for inviting Bob to go to that game.  I guess I don’t mean anything to you at all.  I’ll just sit at home and clean all day.  Like usual,”.

Talking About Him To Others– There are times when we need to vent.  We are not perfect people, and neither are our husbands.  Sometimes we also need advice on how to handle situations with our spouses.  Vent to God first.  Talk with him about problem areas before you talk to anyone else.  Second, talk to your husband.  When we speak to others about our husbands, even when discussing problems, it should be in as respectful a manner as possible.  Do not discuss things with others that would demean him in their eyes.  Remember- when the argument is over and you are no longer angry, his reputation will remain sullied in their minds.  Especially around close friends of his and family, guard your talk about your spouse.  When speaking to your children, be very, very careful to never talk in such a way to cause them to think badly of their father.  Instead, we should encourage right attitudes about our husband to others, even during times of stress.  You are your husband’s closest family and his helpmate.  Don’t betray him to others in moments of conflict.  Seeking counseling and talking out problems in healthy ways is good.  Just be sure your intentions are to fix things, not “get back” at him when he is not there to defend himself.  Proverbs 31:11-12 says:  “The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain.  She does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life.”  If you struggle in this, ask your husband for forgiveness. Seek to restore his trust in you by guarding your future talk about him.  Seek to repair relationships between your husband and others by asking for their forgiveness as well.

Right- “Your daddy is sleeping on the couch because he worked so hard all week long.  He’s very tired.  Let’s be quiet around him,”.

Wrong- “There’s your daddy again.  I guess I have to do all the work around here by myself.  Don’t wake him up, kids.  You know how fussy he gets,”.

Right- “Jennifer, I think we’re going to have to start going to counseling soon.  Bob is so stressed out at work that he’s bringing it home and getting angry at me and the kids.  I think he needs someone to talk to to help him work through how to process all that anger, but it isn’t me.  He’s shutting down whenever I try to talk to him,”.

Wrong- “Jennifer, Bob is so mean lately.  All he does is yell and stomp around like a big baby.  You should’ve seen him the other night.  He was a bear!  I wish I could just shake him and knock some sense in his head.  Someone needs to,”.

Sex- This is a subject of great contention in many marriages.  Men typically desire to have sex more often than their wives.  It’s just how they’re wired.  Being a submissive wife means being concerned that this need of his is met.  When he expresses a desire to be intimate, unless you are physically unable to, don’t turn him away!  This wounds a man more than any negative words you could say.  Saying “no” cuts to his heart.  It’s as if you are saying you do not love him.  After a few rejections, some men will stop asking to have intimate time, relying on searching their wives out for “cues” that it would be okay to pursue them.  It leaves men sad and sometimes bitter, and is a surefire way of driving a wedge between what could have been a happy marriage.  Mrs. Duggar (19 Kids and Counting) said that anyone can fold your husband’s socks.  Only a wife can meet this need.  It is so true.  Being available to our husbands and saying “yes”, even when you don’t feel like it, is a huge way of showing love to them.  Wives should also pursue their husbands sometimes, not place all of the burden of when to have sex on their husbands.  If this is an area that you struggle in, you are definitely not alone.  Pray and ask God to give you a desire for your husband.  Seek counseling if you have been abused in the past, if this is now causing you to struggle in this area.

Disagreements-  No husband and wife agrees on things all the time.  When there is a disagreement, a submissive wife should still respond with respect and gentleness.  I state my opinion and try to remain open to the idea that my way is not always right or the only way.  I listen to him.  We discuss.  When it comes to actually making a decision, my husband is the head of our home.  He is responsible to God for the decisions he makes.  I trust that God will take care of us, whether or not my spouse is in the right.

These are just a few areas in my own marriage that I wrestle with and strive to be a submissive wife.  Why care so much about this?  Mainly, because God does.  He’s very clear in telling us His perfect plan for us to live in harmony in marriage.  Because He loves us, He designed that we work together, with the husband leading and the wife following and helping.  It brings peace, love, and contentment.  A home that is a refuge for us all.  A happy family.  A house full of laughter and imperfect people, all trying our best to just live life together.  An example to our children for their future marriages.  And to the world, a loving marriage models how Jesus loves his church.  See below for more on that amazing connection by John Piper.

Marriage- God’s Showcase of Covenant-keeping Grace

****If you are currently struggling in your own marriage, know that you’re not alone!  There was a time when my spouse and I had a complete shutdown of healthy communication.  We had constant arguments, injured hearts and spirits, and angry words we can never take back.  We didn’t like each other at all.  By God’s grace, our marriage was saved when I thought it was broken beyond repair.  If you are in that boat right now, PRAY.  Pray for wisdom and softened hearts for you both.  God can and does change hearts.  Pray that you can talk about it with one another.  Seek Godly counseling, if need be, especially if there is sinful behavior needing to be addressed.  And seek to be a submissive wife as God would have you to be, whether or not your husband is responding in the way he should.

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Making a Home

Little Ones In The Pews

face-2031963__340When I was growing up, my family was at church every time the doors were open.  For twenty-nine years of my life, unless I was deathly ill, I never missed a service.  My attendance became closely linked, in my mind, with my good standing with God.  Yes, I was a true follower of Jesus.  And I knew the Bible said we are not to neglect to meet together with other believers (Hebrews 10:25).  But somehow, I wrong-headedly assumed that because I outwardly was attending church, God was more pleased with me or loved me more because of it and that, if I were to stop attending, I would somehow be forfeiting my immortal soul.  I was not consciously aware of these thoughts/feelings at the time, but they were there, just bubbling at the surface.

And then there were two babies.  Two adorable, cooey, wonderful babies.  My husband and I moved to Illinois when the oldest was two and the youngest a ripe old age of five months.  We had just been hired as pastor and family of a little church that had NO NURSERY.  Every time my husband stood behind the pulpit (for real, every stinking time), one of those little angelic faces would decide to reclaim the attention of the entire congregation.  I would have to duck out the back door as delicately as possible.  Now, if you’ve ever had the sheer pleasure of maneuvering the monstrosity of a baby carrier past a teeny row of seats in church before (one-handed, mind you, because the other is holding fast to said fuss head of a child) you will know that there is no way to do this quickly or easily.  Suddenly, it feels like a spotlight has been beamed on your little crowd, all eyes glued to your direction until finally, mercifully, you manage to slip out the back door.

Though most people attending told me they didn’t even hear the kids or that the sound of their young voices was beautiful, there was one lady that told me about how their little ones were perfect angels growing up.  She would lay a blanket on the floor at her feet, and the little dears wouldn’t make a peep.  Why couldn’t I control mine?  Funny how one negative voice can so quickly drown out a sea of positives.

Sunday after Sunday after Sunday, we would repeat this charade.  No longer was I actually attending a worship service.  Things had become more like a marathon to get tiny people more beautifully dressed than they normally were just for me to sit alone in a small room and sulk.  And cry.  And take it out on my kids.  I fussed at them for not behaving.  I refused to read books to them.  Or play.  Or pretty much pay any attention to them out of spite.  It wasn’t just embarrassment or frustration that drove me to behave so badly, though.  It was the fear and resulting shame that I had displeased God by not listening to my husband’s sermons.

And one day, by the grace of God (and some wisdom from my mother), I realized that I was totally in the wrong about the whole ordeal.  Who on earth would expect a two year old and a five month old to sit still through an hour or more of a service in total silence?  They were babies!  Sweet, adorable, beautiful babies.  And my job right then, at that moment in time, was to be their mother.  It was not my fault there was no nursery.  It was not their fault for being babies.  God was not angry with me for taking care of them and meeting their needs.  I was to merely do the best I could, given the situation.

What a breath of fresh air!  It was like scales fell from my eyes.  I finally saw clearly how wrong-headed I had been.  I scooped up my babies and apologized to them and to God for the horrible attitude I had had toward them and for shaming them for “bad” behavior.  I refused from that day on to ever be embarrassed of them again.  I let mean-hearted comments towards me and mine roll off and listened to the encouraging ones.  I loved the mess out of those babies.

During those long years of solitude among babies, I read my Bible and prayed alone.  I had theological discussions with my husband.  I learned to lean on God’s grace for my salvation like I never had before.  And I learned to let go of some serious flaws in my thinking that God knew needed to be chipped away.  What I once saw as a horribly embarrassing, frustrating time in life, I now see as God’s goodness towards me.

We now attend a church where kind, servant-hearted people love on my babies and let me attend worship services as well.  But if you find yourself in a situation similar to my own, for whatever reason (no nursery, don’t trust the nursery that’s there, have a child you are training and disciplining, have a special needs child you are afraid to leave in someone else’s care or appropriate care for him isn’t offered, or you believe in family integrated worship, etc), know that you are not alone.  God has made you Mommy or Daddy over your little one for this particular moment in time.  Worship services may not be relaxing for you like they are for the elderly gentleman behind you.  They may be severely frustrating or in spurts of attendance like my experience.  but God’s grace is sufficient.  Just do the best job you can.  Love those babies.  Be kind.  Trust God.  And breathe.

Making a Home

The Importance of Chores

IMG_2324Oh my.  If my littles didn’t pitch in every morning and take care of their responsibilities, I would be drowning.  I seriously look forward to sipping my coffee while listening to the sound of the vacuum cleaner running and smile, knowing it’s not me having to do it.  But are chores good for kids?  Are they all that important, or does it just give Mommy a free ride? And how do you go about teaching kids to do them in the first place?  Isn’t it just easier to do it well yourself instead of having a sloppily done job?

When I was new to the Mommy gig, I believed that I should serve my children in everything.  Out of love, mind you.  And yes, it IS loving to be servant-hearted toward one another.  And when the children are really, really little, there isn’t a whole lot they can contribute.  So year after year, I did everything.  I ran myself ragged with all the household responsibilities that come with raising little bitties.  For those of you still in the land of babies with no big kiddos to pitch in, hang in there.  Those years were cute but tough.  I may have more children than you, but I have older ones, which makes it far, far easier.  You will get through this, and then you too, my friend, will be able to sip your coffee in sweet peace.

One day, about when we added our fourth child, I realized that I was severely drowning.  I was not requiring them to lift a finger outside of their school work.  It was making me irritable towards everyone.  I had tried to handle it all on my own.  God knows I did.  I wanted to be everything to everybody.  I did NOT want my children to have to serve me.  They’re kids, right?  Let them be kids!

But then I watched the Duggars.  Such a sweet family.  Not perfect, no, but only Jesus is.  And there’s something so wonderful about seeing the way a huger family than mine struggles and deals with life that puts my own problems more into perspective.  I learned so much from Mrs. Duggar.  One thing she stressed is the need to involve the children in the household duties.  In their family, every child capable of grasping objects helps.

So why is it something we should teach to our little ones?  #1-Because we mommies need them to help out.  I love and like my children.  I like them a whole lot more when they’re helping out!  It actually gives me warm fuzzies towards them to see them busily taking care of things.  And I’m no longer drowning, which makes our house prettier, makes us ready to welcome any visitors that may come, and frees me up to be able to parent them better (and wife better and be by myself better, etc).  And #2- because the children need the responsibility!   It actually makes them think more about others to have to serve their family.  It makes them less selfish, more careful with the messes they make, and (get this) feel like they are NEEDED.  We all want to feel needed- even children.  My little Carey (age 4 at the time) once told me, “I’m glad I have chores, Momma.  That way, I know I’m part of the family,”. Totally not making that one up.  If there was any doubt in this momma’s heart of the value of chores for children before, it was totally wiped away at that.

So- how do you go about teaching these things without losing your mind?  Because, if we’re honest, kids are sloppy.  And they have to be taught every single teeny thing.  Holding a broom and dustpan does not come naturally to a child.  They will dangle the broom around one-handed, slinging mess to the outer corners of the room if left on their own.  It’s happened.  Mrs. Duggar suggested a book that their family used to get started teaching responsibilities to the young kids.  It really helped us out.  It comes with little see-through sleeves that clip on to a child’s clothing.  You print out the chores onto cards (using words or pictures) and place them inside the sleeve for the child to go through.  No matter where that little one roams, his chores are right there with him, reminding him what he needs to complete.  He turns in the sleeve to his mother when he’s all done!  For the older child, simply creating a chore chart and posting it is enough.  This book, listed below, gives recommendations of chores per age category.

Managers of Their Chores

We no longer use the little chore sleeves.  It was super helpful at first, especially since the whole idea of children having responsibilities was brand new to us all.  Now we simply use a chore chart and I assign only two duties to my very littlest, which are easy to remember for them.

When first introducing chores to children, it is super, super important that you tell them why they are being asked to do them.  All young children want to help and please their parents.  But chores, as anything done in repetition, get old.  Having a reason behind why chores are being done ensures the child will understand what is being asked of him and keeps you all going.  I explained to my children that mommy needed help.  I couldn’t do it all on my own.  I needed my children to serve me as I serve them.  We help each other out of love because we’re a family.  I have had to say this every few weeks for YEARS.  Any time a little one wants to complain, I have to remind him or her of the why.  Because it’s important.

After the why conversation, then I teach the chores required to each child.  It does take a while.  It takes patience and understanding and trying things out until they get it right.  Stick with it, though.  Once they grasp how to do things, your load will start to get easier!!  I usually choose to teach new chores in the summer or winter breaks from school.  That way, we can concentrate on those tasks without having to rush to handle other responsibilities.  Once the child demonstrates the ability to complete a chore, I then supervise for a while to make sure it’s still being done right and reteach if it’s not.

Lastly, I walk around the house and inspect chores to make sure every child has completed them well.  It’s important not to skip this step.  Children that realize their parent doesn’t check up on them will sometimes start to be sloppy in their work or “forget” to do them at all.  I do not check up on them every day- I do it sporadically so that they do not know when an inspection will take place.  Chores left undone or done sloppily when the child says they completed them have to be done all over again.  I’m pretty mean about this one.  If I see fuzz on the rug (you know, in the amount that I am sure means a section got missed), the entire floor has to be re-vacuumed.  If toys have been jumbled into one bin instead of being separated into different ones like I asked, I’ve dumped them all onto the floor again to be resorted.  But you know what strictness in doing a good job gets you?  It makes sure the job is done right the next time.  Do take into consideration the age of the child completing the task to determine how perfect it should be.  I ask that my older children fold shirts just so, but my five year old can hand in off-center washcloths.  Because that’s the best she can do.  If you are a bit anal about things like I am, you will have to lower your expectations a bit when the children are helping.  But the benefits of their help far outweigh having sloppy towels.

Most of the time, my children are cooperative and sweet about it all.  They love me and know what they’re doing helps me out a whole lot.  I remind them of that constantly and try to thank them for their completed jobs.  Our family provides a small allowance at the end of the week for each child with chores.  You do not have to compensate yours if you do not wish to, but I do remind mine that this is why they have an allowance.  Any time there has been complaining or an attempt to shrug off the responsibilities, however, I have pointed to the list of my own chores at the bottom of their chart.  “Stinky chores” I call them.  For fussing about their own, they have to add one of mine to their daily list.  I usually request that the offending child scrub a toilet.  Three toilets is the farthest it’s ever gotten.  Sometimes, I actually look forward to someone complaining!

Here is our current chore chart.  It changes once or twice a year for us just to keep life from being boring.  Feel free to make one for your own family according to their ages and abilities and your own needs.  We normally do these chores every morning after breakfast.  It takes about 20-30 minutes, depending on how much dawdling and goofing off happens along with it.  In the afternoons after school, they fold a couple loads of laundry and then put their own clothes away.  It takes them about 5-10 minutes.  For us, there is no free time until all schoolwork AND chores are completeIMG_4845

Making a Home

Killing ‘Em With Kindness

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My little ones and I took a field trip today and went on a lovely hike in a local nature preserve.  It was hot, the baby screamed the ENTIRE time (as evidenced above- see the red face?), and, as always, there were sporadic murmurings of various needs not being met.  This picture is incomplete as it is missing one child because he decided to take off in another direction away from us.  You’d think it was a terrible trip after all that, but it was actually kind of fun.  One of the first outings for baby, though he hated it with all his teeny heart.

As we hiked through the woods, another person caught up with us from behind.  She was young, alone with her dog, and looked totally like she had just stepped off of a runway.  Perfect hair.  Expensive clothes and sunglasses.  Very pretty.  She had that “Oh no” look all over her face as she glanced this way and that, looking for any way around our bunch.  I called a halt to my troops and had them move to one side to let her pass.  The lady walked by with ease until she came to Tyndale, the five year old with big blue eyes and curly blond hair.  The one that looks like a cross between Shirley Temple and Alice in Wonderland.  With her cute little baby voice, she said, “Pwease, may I pet your dog?”  The woman didn’t even glance at her, but kept walking, and yelled, “NO!” sharply.

I was all the way at the back of the line and was slightly confused.  Did her sisters just yell at her?  Did that lady?  Several minutes later, when I met up with the big ones and confirmed it wasn’t them, I was a little taken aback.  We all shared a little giggle at the shock of her rudeness.  I praised Mary for her polite way of asking and all the kids for being kind to the lady by moving aside, and we continued on our way.

Later, after retelling the incident to their daddy, I told them all that I should’ve gone all “Momma Bear” on the woman.  They laughed as I spoke about flying through the air, baby strapped on and all, to grab the lady by the top of her hair and say, “You WILL let my little girl pet your dog!”  After the silliness, though, we reiterated that no- Mommy would never do something like that.  The woman was completely within her rights to say no, she just should have done it kindly.  We can’t control how other people behave, however, only how we treat them.

Kindness.  How do you teach that?  “Be kind!” is a common mantra in our house, right up there with “Stop running!”, “Don’t make a mess!” and the ever popular “Kitchen’s closed!”.  But just saying it and transmitting it to a little one’s heart are two totally different things.

I try to point my children to scripture- What does God say about how we should treat people?  Turn the other cheek  (Matthew 5:39).  Forgive (Matthew 18:21-22).  Pray for our enemies and love them (Matthew 5:44).  Be kind (Ephesians 4:32).  I pray for my children to love God and love each other.  I pray with them in areas they are struggling.  I pray for kindness in myself.  We talk and talk and talk about things as they happen in real life and how we should react.  Most of all, I try (very, very hard, though often fail) to demonstrate what kindness should look like through how I behave.  And I apologize to them when I fail.

Life is hard.  Kindness is hard.  Let’s struggle in it together, asking God to give us strength to be more like Him.

What are some ways your family has taught about kindness?